Let’s Talk About Love

Tomorrow is Valentine’s Day – the perfect time to talk about love, right? There’s so much to say – what do I want to say? – and, how do I distill lovedown into a few paragraphs?

Remember the silly game we played as kids, pulling the petals out of a daisy, saying, “he loves me, he loves me not?” Wouldn’t it have been cool if, instead, we could have said, “I love me, I love me not?” And then, of course, known what that meant.

When I was in college I remember saying to my friends, “All I want is to love and be loved.” Then, and for many years after, I didn’t have a clue what love meant. I suppose I wanted to feel safe, special, secure, cherished, desired.  What does it mean to you?

The word love is really kind of messy because we have so many expectations attached to it. It makes it difficult come up with a clean definition. So instead of talking about feeling loved¸ let’s say it’s feeling appreciated and accepted.Funny, as I say the words feeling loved¸ I see question marks in my head, when I say appreciated and accepted I feel a softness and warmth in my heart.

It took me many years and failed relationships to learn that if I truly wanted to feel loved, appreciated and accepted it first had to come from me — to me. Can you relate? I see people everywhere who are unhappy because they aren’t getting the love they want. It’s an oft used premise for novels and movies.

Here’s the flawed prescription for love that is used over and over:

-I don’t appreciate and accept me.

-I need you love me to make me feel good

-I’m going to give you all the appreciation and respect I don’t give myself.

-Hopefully, you will give that back to me, so I can feel good.

-You, eventually, decide you don’t love me, and I again feel worthless.

This is what’s true as I see it — whatever it is you or I want to give to another, we first must have it within us to give. You can’t pour wine from an empty vessel. So, this Valentine’s day, and every day for that matter, here’s a prescription for love that I know works:

-Spend a few minutes before you engage with others each day focusing on appreciating and accepting you, loving you – without conditions.

-Allow yourself to really feel it, dive deep into it.

-Let self-judgments go. You don’t have to be perfect.

-As your love and acceptance for you grows — you’ll do better.

It’s just that simple – not always easy, but simple.

Here’s what I find the byproduct of self-appreciation to be – loving and accepting others suddenly comes naturally. There’s no trying, no effort. It feels like magic is in the air. It feels good – it feels warm in your heart. Try it!

Happy Loving You Day!