Do you ever find you are acting way too much like a grown-up?
I guess what I really mean to say is are you feeling out of control and taking yourself seriously? This is what I put myself through this past week. I know I’m probably not the only one who goes through weeks that feel like setbacks – so maybe acknowledging my experience of raw pain and vulnerability will serve more than just my own healing.
Life was rolling along pretty smoothly. In fact I was experiencing frequent moments of feeling love and peace flowing within me. Then, suddenly, I felt like I was turned upside down – nothing felt right, and I definitely felt anything but good. All my negative early programming – like I’m no good, God wants to punish me, no one approves of me – was up in front of my face and magnified.
I wish I could say that I caught it and was immediately able to turn me back right side up. Oh, I did catch it immediately, but what I did next just made me feel worse and worse.
What happened? I – not the higher self I, but the ego I, decided it had to do everything and anything it could think of to get me back to feeling connected, feeling love and feeling like my true self. And, as I tried harder and harder and put forth great efforting – my feelings of self-hate and revulsion increased.
It isn’t until now as I’m coming out on the other side of this trip into hades, that I can see clearly what was happening. It is exactly the same experience I’ve had playing golf — you probably have in your sport, too. I hit a perfect shot – the swing of the club is fluid and effortless, I hit the ball square-on and it sails perfectly through the air to my target. Ah — my mind thinks — now I’ve got to figure out exactly what I just did so I can make it happen again. Usually, instead, I totally muff my next shot – I have even missed hitting the ball. Can you relate?
So, what brought me out of my dark period and back into the light?
It’s important to note I say “brought me,” because it was not through any efforting on my part. As I was miserably walking from my office to my car, (not trying to figure anything out) an inspired thought popped in, “you need to just lighten up, girl!” Definitely, this was a message from a higher source than I’d been listening to all week — my energy shifted immediately – I felt lighter. I began to feel like the real me again.
Over and over in my mind I am hearing the words of Jesus, “Unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.” I believe that heaven, like hell, is a state of mind – not some place we go. Might these words mean that to enter heaven we must live in a conscious state that is child-like and innocent? I believe perhaps this is so.
It is simple, not-complicated. And, we make it so hard.